The First Person They Tell: How Friends and Family Shape a Survivor’s Healing
From the DARCC Education Department
For many survivors, the first disclosure of sexual violence does not happen with a professional. It happens with someone they already know and trust. A friend, a partner, a roommate, a sibling, a parent. Research suggests that about two-thirds of survivors disclose to informal supports like friends, family, or significant others (Kirkner, Lorenz, Ullman, & Mandala, 2018). In other words, before a survivor ever considers a hotline, counseling, or advocacy services, they often test safety with someone in their everyday life.
That first response matters.
Not because friends and family have to “fix” anything, but because the reaction a survivor receives can influence what comes next. It can shape whether they feel believed, whether they blame themselves, and whether reaching out again feels possible (Kirkner et al., 2018).
You do not have to be an expert to help
If someone discloses to you, it is normal to feel unsure. Many supporters worry about saying the wrong thing, or they feel pressure to act quickly. Guidance written specifically for friends and loved ones emphasizes a different focus: respond with belief, reduce pressure, and support the survivor’s right to choose their next step (Maryland Coalition Against Sexual Assault, 2017; Together for Girls, 2021). Support is not about having perfect words. It is about helping someone feel safe.
What supportive responses often look like
Begin with belief.
The simplest and most powerful starting point is belief. “I believe you” and “I’m glad you told me” can reduce isolation and shame (Maryland Coalition Against Sexual Assault, 2017; Together for Girls, 2021).
Listen without chasing details.
Many survivors are not looking for someone to investigate what happened. They are looking for someone who can stay present and steady. Together for Girls (2021) cautions against pressing for details or pushing someone to talk more than they want to.
Be mindful of “why” questions.
Questions like “Why didn’t you leave?” or “Why didn’t you tell someone sooner?” can land as blame, even if that is not the intent. Together for Girls (2021) names these reactions as harmful because they reinforce myths about how survivors are “supposed” to respond.
Offer options without pressure.
After disclosure, many people jump straight to action. Reporting, confronting the person who caused harm, demanding next steps. Even loving urgency can feel like loss of control all over again. Trauma-informed guidance encourages offering choices and letting the survivor decide what is right for them (Maryland Coalition Against Sexual Assault, 2017; Together for Girls, 2021).
Support can sound like:
“We don’t have to decide anything today.”
“If you want, I can help you look at options.”
“I’ll support whatever you choose.”
Follow up later.
Support is rarely one conversation. A check-in a few days later communicates something survivors often need to hear: you were not too much, and you are not alone (Together for Girls, 2021).
When responses cause harm
Many unhelpful responses are not meant to be cruel. They often come from shock, confusion, or discomfort.
But comments like “Are you sure?” or “I just can’t picture them doing that” can increase self-doubt and silence. Research on disclosure impact highlights that informal supporters’ reactions can shape whether a survivor continues seeking support or pulls back (Kirkner et al., 2018).
If a survivor feels questioned or blamed, they may decide it is safer not to tell anyone else.
If you did not respond well the first time
Many people realize only later that their initial reaction missed the mark. If you responded with doubt, urgency, silence, or something that caused harm, it is not too late to repair.
Repair does not require a long explanation or justification. It starts with accountability and care.
Repair can sound like:
“I’ve been thinking about how you trusted me, and I wish I had responded differently.”
“I’m sorry if my reaction made things harder for you.”
“I believe you, and I want you to know I’m here if you want support now.”
Giving a survivor space to reconnect on their terms matters. Some may welcome a follow-up conversation. Others may not be ready, and that choice should be respected. What matters is communicating belief, care, and a willingness to do better moving forward.
Support is something everyday people can offer
Supporting a survivor does not mean becoming their counselor. It does not mean knowing the perfect thing to say. It means responding with belief, patience, and respect for choice. Friends and family are often the first people survivors turn to, and that early care can shape what comes next (Kirkner et al., 2018).
If you or someone you know would like additional support, the Dallas Area Rape Crisis Center offers confidential services for survivors and their loved ones, including counseling, advocacy, and a 24-hour hotline.
No one should have to carry this alone.
Sources
Kirkner, A., Lorenz, K., Ullman, S. E., & Mandala, R. (2018). A Qualitative Study of Sexual Assault Disclosure Impact and Help-Seeking on Support Providers.
Maryland Coalition Against Sexual Assault. (2017). A Guide for Family & Friends (organizational resource).
Together for Girls. (2021, October 19). Friends don’t remain silent. Here’s what to say and not say when a friend tells you they’re a victim of sexual violence (organizational guidance)