Supporting Your Survivor

When someone you love discloses that they’ve experienced sexual abuse or assault, it can shake your world. You might not know what to say, what to do, or how to respond. But your presence—your care, compassion, and willingness to listen—can be a powerful part of their healing process.

There’s no perfect script for this kind of conversation. But there are proven ways to show up for survivors with empathy and respect. You don’t have to be an expert—you just have to be human.

How to T.A.L.K. with Survivors

Survivors often wrestle with whether to tell anyone what happened. Many worry they won’t be believed. Some blame themselves. Your response can either reinforce those fears—or start to undo them. That’s why it’s important to respond in a way that centers trust, validation, and choice.

Use the T.A.L.K. tip to guide your first response when someone discloses to you:

THANK Them for Telling You

Start by acknowledging the courage it takes to speak up.
Say something like:
“Thank you for trusting me with this. That means a lot.”

ASK How You Can Help

Don’t assume. Let them lead.
Ask: “What would be most helpful for you right now?”

LISTEN Without Judgment

Your job is to believe—not to investigate. That means avoiding shock, blame, or “why” questions.

KEEP Supporting

Recovery is not linear
Survivors may revisit trauma months or years later. Continue checking in, offering kindness, and reminding them you’re still there.

What To Say

These phrases affirm a survivor’s experience and offer reassurance without pressure:

  • “I believe you.” Everyone responds to traumatic events differently. The best thing you can do is to believe them.

  • “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything to deserve this.” Survivors may blame themselves, especially if they know the perpetrator personally. Remind the survivor—as often as needed—that only the perpetrator is to blame.

  • “You’re not alone. I care about you, and I’m here to help in any way I can.” Let them know that you are willing to listen to their story if they feel comfortable sharing it.

  • “Thank you for sharing this with me. That took courage.” Acknowledge that the experience has affected their life in an indelible way.

  • “If you want to see a doctor or talk to the police, I will go with you if that feels helpful.” Your presence may feel grounding.

What Not to Say

First, avoid steering the conversation toward your own emotions. If you need space to process what you’ve been told, do this with someone other than the survivor.

Even with good intentions, some responses can be harmful. Avoid saying things like:

  • “Are you sure that’s what happened?” This may make them feel that you don’t believe them.

  • “Why didn’t you fight back/report it/tell someone sooner?” Never push a survivor to report to the police or obtain a sexual assault forensic exam. Pressuring a survivor can be retraumatizing in the wake of sexual violence.

  • “What were you wearing?” Don’t ask for details such as who hurt them or if they’d had anything to drink. Questions like these can make someone feel blamed for what was done to them.

  • “But they seemed like such a nice person.” Seemingly nice people do terrible things every day. Just because they didn’t do it to you doesn’t mean they didn’t do it.

  • “It happened so long ago; why are you still upset?” Don’t tell them that they should have gotten over it by now. There is no timeline for healing.

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