When someone you love discloses that they’ve experienced sexual abuse or assault, it can shake your world. You might not know what to say, what to do, or how to respond. But your presence—your care, compassion, and willingness to listen—can be a powerful part of their healing process.

There’s no perfect script for this kind of conversation. But there are proven ways to show up for survivors with empathy and respect. You don’t have to be an expert—you just have to be human.

What To Say

These phrases affirm a survivor’s experience and offer reassurance without pressure:

• “I believe you.” Everyone responds to traumatic events differently. The best thing you can do is to believe them.

• “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything to deserve this.” Survivors may blame themselves, especially if they know the perpetrator personally. Remind the survivor—as often as needed—that only the perpetrator is to blame.

• “You’re not alone. I care about you, and I’m here to help in any way I can.” Let them know that you are willing to listen to their story if they feel comfortable sharing it.

• “Thank you for sharing this with me. That took courage.” Acknowledge that the experience has affected their life in an indelible way.

• “If you want to see a doctor or talk to the police, I will go with you if that feels helpful.” Your presence may feel grounding.

What Not to Say

First, avoid steering the conversation toward your own emotions. If you need space to process what you’ve been told, do this with someone other than the survivor.

Even with good intentions, some responses can be harmful. Avoid saying things like:

• “Are you sure that’s what happened?” This may make them feel that you don’t believe them.

• “Why didn’t you fight back/report it/tell someone sooner?” Never push a survivor to report to the police or obtain a sexual assault forensic exam. Pressuring a survivor can be retraumatizing in the wake of sexual violence.

• “What were you wearing?” Don’t ask for details such as who hurt them or if they’d had anything to drink. Questions like these can make someone feel blamed for what was done to them.

• “But they seemed like such a nice person.” Seemingly nice people do terrible things every day. Just because they didn’t do it to you doesn’t mean they didn’t do it.

• “It happened so long ago; why are you still upset?” Don’t tell them that they should have gotten over it by now. There is no timeline for healing.

Immediate Options After an Assault

Everyone’s journey after an assault looks different. If your loved one has just been sexually assaulted, here are some immediate action items they could take.

REMEMBER: try your absolute best to acknowledge, respect, and comply to the survivor’s decisions without judgement. It is helpful for your loved one, if you help them regain control by letting THEM decide what is best for them. Ask them explicitly what steps they would like to take before you go on to help them do any of these:

Help your loved one get to a safe location. Help them feel secure as best you can.

• Call someone who your loved one would like to talk to.

  • Is this someone they are comfortable around?

  • Does this person make them feel supported and understood?

• Call the police to report the sexual violence.

• Visit your local emergency room or clinic for physical injuries/emotional distress, or to a hospital that can perform the Sexual Assault Nurse Examination (SANE).

  • A SANE, is a medical exam done for both evaluation and treatment. The purpose of the exam is to assess for injuries and attempt to collect any forensic evidence available.

• Call a rape crisis hotline with any questions or comments. These can range from “what to do next?” to “how can I better support my loved one?” to “I feel totally overwhelmed.”

  • The Dallas Area Rape Crisis 24-hour hotline is 972-641-7273.